Thursday, May 6, 2010

I Hate It

Do you know what I hate? Not just hate, but detest? I get so upset and down right angry when I realize it's taking over, again. It consumes my thoughts, my mind. The sad part is, I like it. It feels justified, deserved, and safe.

The culprit: selfishness, self-centeredness, self-preservation.

These lead to fear, and loss. Which leads to suspicion, blame, stubbornness, and refusal to budge for fear of loss or change. Then a feeling of being stuck and helpless.

All the while I'm consumed in selfishness, feeling "safe", or justified, I am the one who's losing. I'm losing joy and happiness and fellowship with my family, true fellowship, openness and oneness.

I hate this battle - this internal battle that's always there but magnifies itself especially when I'm in pain, or tired, or worried or stressed. I just made an excuse for it, didn't I? There's no excuses. But I should realize that it's during these life processes that I'm vulverable and will let my guard down in order to protect myself which is also selfishness. So it's actually a vicious cycle.

The only solution is: to renew my mind according to The Word. Continually. It doesn't just happen once. Oh that would be wonderful wouldn't it, "Ok, Renewed." No, it doesn't happen that way. It's an ongoing process, day-by-day, moment-by-moment.

I thank God because He is a God of new beginnings. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. It's really true, every day is a brand new day. My prayer for today is that I will be renewed according to His Word one moment at a time. I am so very blessed!

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