When it doesn't matter, than I've arrived. Yes, I know we have to eat and sleep and work but when only the Lord and my relationship to Him and the infiltration of His Word into my being matter than everything else will fall into place and I will be at peace.
I am beginning to grasp what The Preacher was talking about when he writes, "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity."
I am so very touched today by Brian and Lindsey's post on Pleasant Drive.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Do you know what I hate? Not just hate, but detest? I get so upset and down right angry when I realize it's taking over, again. It consumes my thoughts, my mind. The sad part is, I like it. It feels justified, deserved, and safe.
The culprit: selfishness, self-centeredness, self-preservation.
These lead to fear, and loss. Which leads to suspicion, blame, stubbornness, and refusal to budge for fear of loss or change. Then a feeling of being stuck and helpless.
All the while I'm consumed in selfishness, feeling "safe", or justified, I am the one who's losing. I'm losing joy and happiness and fellowship with my family, true fellowship, openness and oneness.
I hate this battle - this internal battle that's always there but magnifies itself especially when I'm in pain, or tired, or worried or stressed. I just made an excuse for it, didn't I? There's no excuses. But I should realize that it's during these life processes that I'm vulverable and will let my guard down in order to protect myself which is also selfishness. So it's actually a vicious cycle.
The only solution is: to renew my mind according to The Word. Continually. It doesn't just happen once. Oh that would be wonderful wouldn't it, "Ok, Renewed." No, it doesn't happen that way. It's an ongoing process, day-by-day, moment-by-moment.
I thank God because He is a God of new beginnings. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. It's really true, every day is a brand new day. My prayer for today is that I will be renewed according to His Word one moment at a time. I am so very blessed!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Andrew and Ellwyn sent me this card for Mother's Day. On the inside it says "Only the Strong Survive!" Then he wrote, "I imagine you felt like this once or twice!! Haha"
The sad thing is, it's probably what he remembers.
Andrew had just turned three when Alex was born, Aaron was five and Amy was seven. I was overwhelmed. I love my children, love them all, love them all the same. And I did my best. I am settled with the fact I did not and do not have a career along with motherhood and homemaking. I always looked at those who do however and thought, "What's wrong with me?" I understand now it was a privilege and a blessing to be at home and raise my children.
Now that I have two precious grandbabies I realize that as much as I love being a mother I should have been a grandmother first. All those things I thought were so important as a mother are not important at all. That's the catch-22.
I love my husband and my home. I love my children. I love my grandchildren. They are the love and joy of my life. This is the love and joy of my life, my husband, our home, my children, my grandchildren. It's a little bit of heaven.