Wednesday, February 10, 2010

All Roads Lead To . . .

Where? Here? "Oh no! Not again!"

I remember one time when I was in junior high or so a group of us from church were taken to the State Fair in Tulsa. We were so excited to go and after we got there ran from ride to ride. Several of us decided to go into the "House of Mirrors" or mirror maze. My best friend and I stayed right together and the others ran ahead. We went this way and that way and were ecstatic when we found the "exit" only to be told by the ticket people that it was the entrance and we couldn't come out that way. We went back in and finally without bursting into tears, but almost, I might add, found the exit and there waiting patiently, stood the others. How did they get through so fast? And without anxiety or fear, as if they had a secret map?

It seems like life is very much like that. It seems that most people hug the straight line of normal. Get up, go to work, raise their babies, manage this challenge here, sail over that inconvenice there, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, generation after generation.

And then there's me. Why sometimes do I tend to find myself in the same situation over and over again? Say for example it's a situation that I keep winding up in even after years of thinking that situation is totally in the past. Why do I feel our life is a series of one step forward two steps back?

I have to dig deeper and think that it's a lesson the Lord wants me to learn but I never quite learn it. Why sometimes can I feel free to be me, outgoing and in control, someone who makes "it" happen and then something in side me shuts down, feels stifled, afraid, silenced. Personality type? Possibly. Past life situations? Possibly. Just life? I'm not so sure.

I find my answer in knowing that God's ways are not our ways. There's a comfort in knowing that He holds the future, even the future as close as an hour from now. I absolutelly do not know what will happen tomorrow. I do know the Lord will fight for us; we need only to be still.

Me, Myself and I

Have you ever felt just empty? I mean totally empty? Void of thought or information or direction, yet experience an overwhelming peace at the same time? Have you ever known who you are and realized that you are you no matter what? That's where I am right now. I am who I am. It doesn't matter where I live, who my husband is, who my children are, how much education I have or what my vocation is. It doesn't matter who my friends and relatives are or how much money we have or don't have. I am who I am. I was who I am at 2 years old, 17 years old, 32 years old and now at 55 years old. I am who I am.


There are things about me that are predetermined and of which I have no control, like birth-order and personality type. Then there are experiences and life-situations. My birth-order and personality type determine my response to these and the effect they have on my life. What I understand and believe spiritually also effects my response to situations that effect my life. But at the core I am who I am.


Some people realize who they are early in life and live all their lives as themselves, totally themselves. Some people never know and spend their entire life searching or being what they think other people expect. Some people know who they are and don't want other people to know so they wear masks and the mask changes for different situations.

I've spent a lifetime wondering, searching, changing, adjusting. But now I know. Now I know who I am. I am who I am. I am happy and at peace with that.

The Lord has blessed my husband and me with a year long sabbatical that has allowed us to rest, rejuvenate, search, replenish and resolve. We are looking forward to tomorrow and each and every day after that. It is our desire that who we are is a blessing and a help to each other and everyone we know. I would like to reach out my hand and impart to everyone peace and blessing. I am who I am, you are who you are. I love you. Peace and Blessings!

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