Saturday, September 19, 2009

First Born Syndrome

I've always felt so responsible for everyone. Maybe because I'm a first born, I don't know, but I've always felt I should fix, and provide and take care of and prevent, and determine outcomes.
I had a revelation this week however that saddens me but also brings me freedom. I realized that no matter what I know from knowledge or experience, no matter what makes sense and is right, no matter what I believe, I can not change someone else or make another person believe what I believe is right, and than some things are just unexplainable.

No matter how much I prayed, studied, talked to nutritionists and naturalpaths, resisted, and cried I could not change the fact that my dad suffered with a brain tumor and died after a year of agony for himself and the family.

No matter how much Mike prayed and talked and tried to convince his mother, aunt, sister and niece to not agree to radiate his mother's lung so we could take her to a clinic in Houston for a very successful treatment for lung cancer, she died 10 days after the diagnosis. She was scared and signed to radiate her lung. The radiation blew out her heart where she had had a graft 13 years previous.

Not even two years had passed since my mother-in-law's unexpected death and Mike was getting better with the grief, it was a terrible thing this grief, and his daughter, the love of his life, called out of the blue and said she was divorcing her husband and basically separating the two little boys. Mike couldn't stop it, no amount of prayer, counsel, anger, warning, etc. It'd be different if the husband deserved it and it was justified. She just wanted to live her own life, her way. It was a terrible time of anguish for him and for us. We did everything we could do and then we just stood there aching.

No amount of help on my part could keep my precious Amy from experiencing anxiety-panic attacks when she was transitioning from full-time career to full time homemaker and mom.

The clincher, the part when I gave up and realized I really have no control, came for me this past Wednesday when Mike and I went to his New Patient Appointment at the VA Health Center. The doctor called with the results of his blood work and I panicked and felt I was going to be a widow any second. I plunged full speed into "let's fix this" mode and decided that we should go immediately on the Hallelujah Diet, the testimonies are phenomenal and I believe it would cure anything, and along with that start walking 20 minutes daily. He did fine until he got hungry then he said he wasn't going to do it. I said I was going to increase the life insurance. Then I cried. Then I relinquished control and felt a tremendous peace.

We are changing our diet a little daily and it's better on both of us and we'll be all right. I care and want to help and fix my loved ones hurts but there's only so much I can actually control and even that is not a guarantee. That realization brings peace.

1 comment:

Pleasant Drive said...

Hi, Sandy. You are right, regardless of how controlling we feel, we actually have no control over the outcomes or circumstances in the end. Great insight! And, I'm so glad that you guys were able to go on vacation. For me, they are necesary and the only time that I can truly rest. I'm working on that, though.

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